After Christmas Bargains

Celebrity endorsements for products have always been a lucrative investment for manufactures. However, it does not always translate into success. When it doesn't, deep discounts are usually available to move product. Here are some examples where the endorsement didn't seem to capture the buying public's dollar and can mean big savings for you.



Stately Implants Endorsed by Madeleine Albright




Lindsay Lohan's Catalog of Local Easements




Designer Lawn Furniture by Ex-U.N. Chief Kofi Annan

The Years Top News Stories in Review

Jermyn Soldiers Seek Justus
Soldiers of the 12th Army Brigade of Jermyn are continuing their campaign after marching in on the town of South Canaan by mistake. Commander of the brigade, General (REDACTED) said the embarrassing display was caused by a "technical glitch". In an interview with SGT. (REDACTED), the "technical glitch" was caused when soldiers read their Tom-Tom GPS upside down. General (REDACTED) stated that the "glitch" was corrected and the army will continue on into Justus township. No timetable was given for security reasons.

Immigrants Disappointed
Immigrants arriving at Pittston Harbor are meeting with disappointment these days due to the absence of a historical treasure. It seems the famous "Statue of Limitations" has run out on a lease from the French company E Laboulaye and Co. and will not be renewed. Prior immigrants admired the gray lady for representing their feelings of "I just give up", "I've had it up to here with...", and "I just don't give a s___ anymore".



Throop Seeks Constitutional Amendment
A Constitutional Amendment making the "h" in the English language silent is making it's way to Capitol Hill. The legislation written by representatives of Throop wish to add their language to the English First proposal now in conference. Opponents of the bill say that everyone will sound like Andy Capp and the American people don't want that.

Local Icon Fails FDA Approval
The FDA denied a claim by Slobodan "Hatchy" Milatchy for certification. The request was denied because certain elements in "The Land of Hatchy Milatchy", such as lollipops growing right out of the ground and everything made of sugar and spice would undoubtedly draw in ants.

Christmas Gift Giving Ideas

There are only a few short days left in the holiday shopping season. Here are some ideas to lessen the stress of deciding the right gift.

Here is a beautiful hand carved figurine set depicting a warm holiday at the Moffat Breaker. This will bring back the holiday feelings of yore with the old authentic fragrance of Taylor. Imagine your childs face on Christmas morning with these items under the tree. Have the charcoal ready for those cheeks, 'cause this will be a Coal Miner Christmas.
(thanks Jamie)


This years hot toy. Connells Patch Kids Dolls.
(thanks Mike)



Here is something for the "hard to please". A genuine Chellands Soda Jerk Hat. Available for a limited time on eBay
(thanks Dave)


For those on a tight budget.


You can't go wrong with everyones favorite.

For Those Frustrated...(with High Tech)....Bubbles!

Flash Slideshow

The Cleanup Continues

Flash Slideshow

Even as the remains of cigar butts are still being discovered at the site of devastation, developers are hard at work at plans to put a new face on the town. The demolition of the 100 block of S Main is claimed to have been the responsibility of Al Kaidha and Associates. However, attempts at contacting them went unanswered. They are said to be somewhere in the mountains and valleys around Penobscot Knob.

Several companies have been soliciting for the property. One of the finalists withdrew it's bid at the last moment. That bid was for a G*Mitter Supercenter. A large national retail center that features under one roof, groceries, a bakery, banking, dry cleaning, a fur and pelt trading outpost, a Hebrew learning center, an oil refinery and the famous five and dime for which G*Mitter name is known. A spokesman for the developer said the 200,000 square foot megaplex just wouldn't fit there.

The sole remaining contender to anchor Main Street is now Dolinish Pharmacy. Dolinish has 4100 stores in 32 states including the District of Pittston. Some residents have expressed concern. When asked about the new pharmacy, one resident voiced his opinion as "..the hell we need that for?" Others expressed outrage with the traffic problems. "That's right, that's it, everybody for their f...ing selves", said one motorist when trying to enter the bank drive-thru.

Digging Up a Dark Past

Taylor(WDAU) - Archaeologists from the University of Taylor have unearthed 30 year old remains of partially mutilated beer cans on the grounds of Pine Hills golf course. This disturbing discovery brings to mind results of an experiment gone bad several decades ago by the Genesee Corporation when an experimental chemical was developed to rid the country of waste beer cans. The chemical was intended for commercial spray operations and would dissolve thin aluminum on contact. The program was halted when it was found to cause mutilation and was never thought to extend outside the laboratory environment until now. A spokesman for the University at the golf course diggings commented, “This will be a horrific tragedy if it is determined that there is in fact, Genny-cide in the par four region.”

Remember...

The American Dermatitis Association is sponsoring their annual Halloween “Get out the Soap” drive and would like to invite everyone to go “Soaping Windows for Rash Awareness” this holiday season.