Christmas Gift Giving Ideas

There are only a few short days left in the holiday shopping season. Here are some ideas to lessen the stress of deciding the right gift.

Here is a beautiful hand carved figurine set depicting a warm holiday at the Moffat Breaker. This will bring back the holiday feelings of yore with the old authentic fragrance of Taylor. Imagine your childs face on Christmas morning with these items under the tree. Have the charcoal ready for those cheeks, 'cause this will be a Coal Miner Christmas.
(thanks Jamie)


This years hot toy. Connells Patch Kids Dolls.
(thanks Mike)



Here is something for the "hard to please". A genuine Chellands Soda Jerk Hat. Available for a limited time on eBay
(thanks Dave)


For those on a tight budget.


You can't go wrong with everyones favorite.

For Those Frustrated...(with High Tech)....Bubbles!

Flash Slideshow

The Cleanup Continues

Flash Slideshow

Even as the remains of cigar butts are still being discovered at the site of devastation, developers are hard at work at plans to put a new face on the town. The demolition of the 100 block of S Main is claimed to have been the responsibility of Al Kaidha and Associates. However, attempts at contacting them went unanswered. They are said to be somewhere in the mountains and valleys around Penobscot Knob.

Several companies have been soliciting for the property. One of the finalists withdrew it's bid at the last moment. That bid was for a G*Mitter Supercenter. A large national retail center that features under one roof, groceries, a bakery, banking, dry cleaning, a fur and pelt trading outpost, a Hebrew learning center, an oil refinery and the famous five and dime for which G*Mitter name is known. A spokesman for the developer said the 200,000 square foot megaplex just wouldn't fit there.

The sole remaining contender to anchor Main Street is now Dolinish Pharmacy. Dolinish has 4100 stores in 32 states including the District of Pittston. Some residents have expressed concern. When asked about the new pharmacy, one resident voiced his opinion as "..the hell we need that for?" Others expressed outrage with the traffic problems. "That's right, that's it, everybody for their f...ing selves", said one motorist when trying to enter the bank drive-thru.

Digging Up a Dark Past

Taylor(WDAU) - Archaeologists from the University of Taylor have unearthed 30 year old remains of partially mutilated beer cans on the grounds of Pine Hills golf course. This disturbing discovery brings to mind results of an experiment gone bad several decades ago by the Genesee Corporation when an experimental chemical was developed to rid the country of waste beer cans. The chemical was intended for commercial spray operations and would dissolve thin aluminum on contact. The program was halted when it was found to cause mutilation and was never thought to extend outside the laboratory environment until now. A spokesman for the University at the golf course diggings commented, “This will be a horrific tragedy if it is determined that there is in fact, Genny-cide in the par four region.”

Remember...

The American Dermatitis Association is sponsoring their annual Halloween “Get out the Soap” drive and would like to invite everyone to go “Soaping Windows for Rash Awareness” this holiday season.

[SPECIAL REPORT] --- Secret Research Complex Revealed

Buried deep beneath the mine rock of Dunn Avenue resides a vast secret military complex only now uncovered to the public. The decades old brainchild of two scientists, Niels Rohr and François Lingerie, was to disguise a hyper-advanced laboratory and research technical center with a women's garment manufacturing facility. In fact, most of the advanced weaponry of the Lackawanna County Defense Department got it's start right here.

We were one of the first to tour the mega-complex which began in what most people would have seen. The top floor was lines of nondescript sewing machines clacking away with bundles of fabric strewn about. Our guide then moved an old refrigerator out of the way to reveal an elevator passage. The downward trip took over 5 minutes and penetrated miles into bedrock. The temperature dropped noticeably several degrees during our descent. Below, the corridors were several stories high and were traversed with motorized 4-wheel vehicles. Security was noticeable at every turn.




Our first stop was a nanotechnology laboratory where we meet up with Dr. Rohr. He allowed us a brief interview.



U.T.R. This is a unique complex in the way it's hidden.

Dr. Rohr: Not really, the Duchess was a bio-weapons testing laboratory in WWII. Not many people knew that either.

U-T-R: Where does funding come from?

Dr. Rohr: Historically we've been funded through Cub Scout paper drives. Recently, that source has been drying up since more people are not reading print and moving to the Internet.

U-T-R: Will this place survive?

Dr. Rohr: We'll be making up the shortfall by sending the employees home with Christmas candle catalogs to show neighbors and family.

U-T-R: Dr. Rohr, what is the purpose of this facinating installation?

Dr. Rohr: Keeping the public safe is our number one goal.

U-T-R: From whom?

Dr. Rohr: Right now there are people that want to do us harm. We've had strained relations with Columbia County ever since Berwick went nuclear.

U-T-R: So you're doing nuclear research here?

Dr. Rohr: No, no, no, not at all. To combat the threat we've developed a pure defensive technology called Proton Infused Zero Z-force Accumulation. It effectively nullifies the threat by turning energy into cheap beer.

U-T-R: So you're saying that while others might have nuclear capabilities we have P.I.Z.Z.A.?

Dr. Rorh: It's quite unique to this area.

U-T-R: What other developments come from your efforts?

Dr. Rohr: Well I can't go into everything, but several common everyday items have been discovered right here.

U-T-R: Such as?

Dr: Rohr: The grommet for instance.

U-T-R: Oh. Any others?

Dr. Rohr: Several years ago a military project to develop a new laser system (oxy-lithium Emmision) lost it's funding, leaving us with 1 million barrels of lubricant. We ended up selling this “Oil of ol-E” to a cosmetic company.

Dr. Rohr: We also had to tackle the problem of waste and sewage removal from this underground facility early on. That led to some advanced matter teleportation technology like in Star Trek.

U-T-R: You mean you beam sewage out of this facility? Where does it go?

Dr. Rohr: I'm sorry. That's all the time I have. Thank you for visiting us.

We were led out blindfolded a different way than we entered. We found ourselves near a man hole cover in Peckville.

This was a fascinating view of the Rohr-Lingerie Rendham Research Complex. We hope to discover more in the months to come.

The World Apparent

In a world with so few truth's, it was true...Kam Fong WAS Chin Ho Kelly. Mankind has mastered the control of atomic particles. Control of elemental charges. Where motion was captured by photons exciting electrons. The electrons left holes, filled by a charge of energy, leaving holes and on and on. And somewhere far far away that charge excited phosphorus. The phosphorus particles glowed leaving an image, and that image moved. The dancing wave particles captured by retina signaled to the brain that “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp” was right there in your living room. The world could never ever be the same.

Maybe it was Elly May's figure, or being interrupted by, “Ring around the collar, RING AROUND THE COLLAR” which set in motion social evolution, I don't know, but we were “kindly droppin' in” on the Clampetts regularly. We did watch grandpa order gloomy side up eggs and drink ketchup from a straw on the Munsters. The world may have debated whether Jeannie could show her navel or not, but for sure Dr. Bellows would think Major Nelson was nuts and we would be indulging in Chutes and Ladders or Mouse Trap, making Creepy Crawlers or bathing with Mr. Bubbles.

The 60's brought strife. Buffy Jody and Uncle Bill could attest to that. So could the Mad Hatter and the Dynamic Duo. The struggle of the time was if the professor could power the radio with some coconuts or if Dr. Richard Kimble would find that one armed man once and for all. While Doug and Tony drifted down the Time Tunnel we were once again faced with the world as it was...apparently.

A Remarkable Lack of Stimuli

The summer was coming to an end. A cicada screeching in a tree woke me to a fine August day. The bug didn't have a snooze button, I checked. It would be years until I saw one of those things up close. If there is beauty in nature it certainly isn't in that critter. But it's off to do precisely nothing today and to do it well.

Rummaging through the cabinets for the Sugar Frosted Flakes (back when the word Sugar was proudly displayed) the sound of mom's disembodied voice wails, “It's garbage day...don't forget to take out the ashes!”. The ashes. Coal furnace leavings. Getting coal was a lot more fun. Something pleasantly hypnotic about those rattling rock chunks making their way into the bowels of the house. We'll have to wait for winter to get 2 ton of buckwheat, or was it pea, or maybe rice. I don't remember. The voice from the ether calls out again. This time something about going to the store for a can of stewed tomatoes.( I somehow picture 2 tomatoes passing a bottle of vodka between them. “I hear your hic sister is a vegetable. hic ”)

Off to the store. Rumbling up the street a cement truck from Santarelli's and right on time there goes Butch, Russell's dog. Butch was tasked to keep the neighborhood safe from those 30 ton behemoths. He was successful too. At no time did one of those things ever make it past the curb. Once in a while he would even get a nip into the tire and be thrown back. Butch would just shake it off. He had to. The beast would be back in a couple of hours. Time enough to plot his next maneuver.

There was a stink... and it wasn't Butch. No, this was road oil. The brilliant idea of some bone head. A thick black PCB's-dioxin-furan laced mutagenic hydrocarbon which was sprayed from goo lined tankers to stop road dust. To us the danger wasn't chromosome damage, it was the shock wave rattling windows for miles caused by mom's voice if you were to track it in the house. Road oil may explain a lot, now that I think about it. Today I will avoid it, though tomorrow may be a different story. Off in the distance I could hear Queeny barking like the beagle she was. It wasn't really a bark as much as it was the pulmonary distress of lung tissue being forced out the throat. I guess she didn't care much for the scent of waste crankcase sludge.


The store was Tony and Vera's. Later just Vera's, later still Gert's. Only occupying the floor space of 2 sheets of plywood, it carried just about everything you would need to live out the rest of your life after nuclear Armageddon. That clickety-clack sound was the six-card machine in the back room. Somebody was pounding at it mumbling something about a dead ball, like that 1 inch ball bearing ought to possess an intelligent life force. There was a Coke machine. This one had the famous 7 ounce bottles. The kind where the glass door was opened and the bottled was pulled from the thick steel fingers protecting it's precious cargo. If you weren't quick enough, the bottle would stay, and your fingers would drag across the jagged cap, leaving behind flesh. Cans were still a few years away.


Perusing the candy case, we find Wax Lips, those strips of paper with the colored candy dots on them, wax tubes filled with some kind of liquid, various gums including Fruit Stripe and Clark's Teaberry and Black Jack for the adventurous, wafer flying saucers filled with a few pellets of something, and even candy or gum cigarettes which had a powder in them to make a puff of smoke. The manipulations of sugar are endless. Better get the stewed tomatoes.

Outside a few kids hanging around. Some are riding wheelies, another rides up on a mini bike. An argument ensues regarding glass packs versus cherry bombs and other muffler technology. One tells the other that he'll “bust his face” while the other threatens to put a “peace bond” on him. Silence befalls the combatants in reverence to the passing Corvette. A day like any other day, only more so.

Back at home, mom is hanging the wash. I turn on the TV. The sound swells up slowly. It will be another few minutes for the picture to follow. Then another few minutes of twisting the dials to get a so called clear picture. On screen the WDAU Time N' Temperature with a Tom Reilly voice over “W-D-A-U channel 22 Scranton – Wilkes Barre”. I'm watching the seconds roll to the top of the hour. “As the World Turns” comes on and the TV goes back off. We'll wait for “Dialing for Dollars” at 4, maybe it will have a good movie like the one with the giant ants invading the town.

--Part 2 to follow (maybe)

What's Happening Around Town

Mrs. Hughes K-2 Kindergarten class presents “The Nuremberg War Crimes Trials” - Tuesday 8PM - Tickets $55 in advance, $75 day of show

Murray Fallks - “Back to School Extravaganza” the whole month of September! - Gym Bags $3.95, $4.95, and $5.95

Moosic Youth Center – “Button Gwinnett” performs Saturday 5AM – 12PM - Tickets $1 in advance, free at the door

Masonic Temple - “The Djaave Marrhelleski Impersonators Club will meet Wednesday 7PM - Hosted by James Russell himself. Seating is limited to the first 1200 people.

Lembo's Fine Dining - Come in and see our new fryer! New on the Menu! Medium Ball - $1.50

Weinberger's Hardware – All stove bolts on sale this week! - A free seminar, “Siphoning Gas”, will be presented Friday 4PM

Carrols "Home of the Club Burger" - hearby will not , in any circumstances , allow parking in the parking lot. -the management

Borough Responds to Supreme Court Ruling

A controversial holiday scene has been erected in spite of a recent Supreme Court first amendment ruling that halloween is a secular holiday and therefore government display of those symbols are a violation of church and state.

Re-enactment Enjoyed by All

Taylor Historical Society staged a re-enactment of operations at the Moffat Coal Company Breaker on Saturday. Dozens gathered in period correct clothing, torn and covered in filth and soot, in an effort to create the realism of those days gone by. Some even hobbled each other to garner points.

Children were treated with sen-sens candies so that they can spit “like grandpa” and adults were given [Calcium] Carbide chips to spit on and light.

The highlight of the day was when actors lit the mountain afire and sulfur dioxide was spewed into the air.

3 Netted in Area Soffrito Raid

Residents of the 3300 block of Hickory St. were awakened with an early morning raid by Health Department officials on a residence owned by Neil Scallopini.

An anonymous tip led investigators to believe that the home contained illegal soffrito made with “the pluck”. Pluck is the street name for organ meats and has been used by some to concoct these banned substances. Field taste tests conducted by the State Health and Safety officials confirmed the findings.

Arrested were Neil Scallopini 75, Charles “Chicken” Scallopini 55, and an unnamed minor, all of 3355 Hickory St.

Harbor Renovation Plan Approved

---------------------------- .....................Chet's Marina at Sibley Del Rey

Sibley(WDAU) – Sibley Harbor Planning Commission has approved a bid for the dredging of the St. John's basin. The $438 billion project promises to revitalize the area reminiscent of the Baltimore Harbor.

Proponent of the measure and proprietor of Chet's Marina , Chester Callis states, “ It's long overdue. For years we've had the business infrastructure in place, now all we need is the geography.”

Part of the renovation includes erecting a dam at Campbell's Ledge by the Army Corp of Engineers. When asked about the dam, Duryea officials responded, “ Oofah! Their ass is suckin' wind.”

Commission authorities admit to not having a firm funding plan in place. Anonymous sources tell us that difficult choices have to be made and that they believe taxpayers will support revenue from either a bucket drop at Moosic Rd. and Main St, or a hoagie sale.

At least one resident expressed joy at the announcement. Dennis Shrive stated, “I went up to my mudder... I told her... I went like 'dis... I said Ma!.... Mangia!”

Indeed the plan is not without opposition. Thomas Chickey has stated that the money can be better used implementing the Austin Height's Salt Flats project. That project was rejected when it was learned that along with excavation, Austin Heights would have to be flooded with brine and dried out for 30,000 years.

In related news, the Zoning Commission has approved an application to rezone the area of 100 N. Main St. as IR-4, or Indian Reservation.