The Cleanup Continues

Flash Slideshow

Even as the remains of cigar butts are still being discovered at the site of devastation, developers are hard at work at plans to put a new face on the town. The demolition of the 100 block of S Main is claimed to have been the responsibility of Al Kaidha and Associates. However, attempts at contacting them went unanswered. They are said to be somewhere in the mountains and valleys around Penobscot Knob.

Several companies have been soliciting for the property. One of the finalists withdrew it's bid at the last moment. That bid was for a G*Mitter Supercenter. A large national retail center that features under one roof, groceries, a bakery, banking, dry cleaning, a fur and pelt trading outpost, a Hebrew learning center, an oil refinery and the famous five and dime for which G*Mitter name is known. A spokesman for the developer said the 200,000 square foot megaplex just wouldn't fit there.

The sole remaining contender to anchor Main Street is now Dolinish Pharmacy. Dolinish has 4100 stores in 32 states including the District of Pittston. Some residents have expressed concern. When asked about the new pharmacy, one resident voiced his opinion as "..the hell we need that for?" Others expressed outrage with the traffic problems. "That's right, that's it, everybody for their f...ing selves", said one motorist when trying to enter the bank drive-thru.

Digging Up a Dark Past

Taylor(WDAU) - Archaeologists from the University of Taylor have unearthed 30 year old remains of partially mutilated beer cans on the grounds of Pine Hills golf course. This disturbing discovery brings to mind results of an experiment gone bad several decades ago by the Genesee Corporation when an experimental chemical was developed to rid the country of waste beer cans. The chemical was intended for commercial spray operations and would dissolve thin aluminum on contact. The program was halted when it was found to cause mutilation and was never thought to extend outside the laboratory environment until now. A spokesman for the University at the golf course diggings commented, “This will be a horrific tragedy if it is determined that there is in fact, Genny-cide in the par four region.”

Remember...

The American Dermatitis Association is sponsoring their annual Halloween “Get out the Soap” drive and would like to invite everyone to go “Soaping Windows for Rash Awareness” this holiday season.

[SPECIAL REPORT] --- Secret Research Complex Revealed

Buried deep beneath the mine rock of Dunn Avenue resides a vast secret military complex only now uncovered to the public. The decades old brainchild of two scientists, Niels Rohr and François Lingerie, was to disguise a hyper-advanced laboratory and research technical center with a women's garment manufacturing facility. In fact, most of the advanced weaponry of the Lackawanna County Defense Department got it's start right here.

We were one of the first to tour the mega-complex which began in what most people would have seen. The top floor was lines of nondescript sewing machines clacking away with bundles of fabric strewn about. Our guide then moved an old refrigerator out of the way to reveal an elevator passage. The downward trip took over 5 minutes and penetrated miles into bedrock. The temperature dropped noticeably several degrees during our descent. Below, the corridors were several stories high and were traversed with motorized 4-wheel vehicles. Security was noticeable at every turn.




Our first stop was a nanotechnology laboratory where we meet up with Dr. Rohr. He allowed us a brief interview.



U.T.R. This is a unique complex in the way it's hidden.

Dr. Rohr: Not really, the Duchess was a bio-weapons testing laboratory in WWII. Not many people knew that either.

U-T-R: Where does funding come from?

Dr. Rohr: Historically we've been funded through Cub Scout paper drives. Recently, that source has been drying up since more people are not reading print and moving to the Internet.

U-T-R: Will this place survive?

Dr. Rohr: We'll be making up the shortfall by sending the employees home with Christmas candle catalogs to show neighbors and family.

U-T-R: Dr. Rohr, what is the purpose of this facinating installation?

Dr. Rohr: Keeping the public safe is our number one goal.

U-T-R: From whom?

Dr. Rohr: Right now there are people that want to do us harm. We've had strained relations with Columbia County ever since Berwick went nuclear.

U-T-R: So you're doing nuclear research here?

Dr. Rohr: No, no, no, not at all. To combat the threat we've developed a pure defensive technology called Proton Infused Zero Z-force Accumulation. It effectively nullifies the threat by turning energy into cheap beer.

U-T-R: So you're saying that while others might have nuclear capabilities we have P.I.Z.Z.A.?

Dr. Rorh: It's quite unique to this area.

U-T-R: What other developments come from your efforts?

Dr. Rohr: Well I can't go into everything, but several common everyday items have been discovered right here.

U-T-R: Such as?

Dr: Rohr: The grommet for instance.

U-T-R: Oh. Any others?

Dr. Rohr: Several years ago a military project to develop a new laser system (oxy-lithium Emmision) lost it's funding, leaving us with 1 million barrels of lubricant. We ended up selling this “Oil of ol-E” to a cosmetic company.

Dr. Rohr: We also had to tackle the problem of waste and sewage removal from this underground facility early on. That led to some advanced matter teleportation technology like in Star Trek.

U-T-R: You mean you beam sewage out of this facility? Where does it go?

Dr. Rohr: I'm sorry. That's all the time I have. Thank you for visiting us.

We were led out blindfolded a different way than we entered. We found ourselves near a man hole cover in Peckville.

This was a fascinating view of the Rohr-Lingerie Rendham Research Complex. We hope to discover more in the months to come.

The World Apparent

In a world with so few truth's, it was true...Kam Fong WAS Chin Ho Kelly. Mankind has mastered the control of atomic particles. Control of elemental charges. Where motion was captured by photons exciting electrons. The electrons left holes, filled by a charge of energy, leaving holes and on and on. And somewhere far far away that charge excited phosphorus. The phosphorus particles glowed leaving an image, and that image moved. The dancing wave particles captured by retina signaled to the brain that “Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp” was right there in your living room. The world could never ever be the same.

Maybe it was Elly May's figure, or being interrupted by, “Ring around the collar, RING AROUND THE COLLAR” which set in motion social evolution, I don't know, but we were “kindly droppin' in” on the Clampetts regularly. We did watch grandpa order gloomy side up eggs and drink ketchup from a straw on the Munsters. The world may have debated whether Jeannie could show her navel or not, but for sure Dr. Bellows would think Major Nelson was nuts and we would be indulging in Chutes and Ladders or Mouse Trap, making Creepy Crawlers or bathing with Mr. Bubbles.

The 60's brought strife. Buffy Jody and Uncle Bill could attest to that. So could the Mad Hatter and the Dynamic Duo. The struggle of the time was if the professor could power the radio with some coconuts or if Dr. Richard Kimble would find that one armed man once and for all. While Doug and Tony drifted down the Time Tunnel we were once again faced with the world as it was...apparently.