The Years Top News Stories in Review

Jermyn Soldiers Seek Justus
Soldiers of the 12th Army Brigade of Jermyn are continuing their campaign after marching in on the town of South Canaan by mistake. Commander of the brigade, General (REDACTED) said the embarrassing display was caused by a "technical glitch". In an interview with SGT. (REDACTED), the "technical glitch" was caused when soldiers read their Tom-Tom GPS upside down. General (REDACTED) stated that the "glitch" was corrected and the army will continue on into Justus township. No timetable was given for security reasons.

Immigrants Disappointed
Immigrants arriving at Pittston Harbor are meeting with disappointment these days due to the absence of a historical treasure. It seems the famous "Statue of Limitations" has run out on a lease from the French company E Laboulaye and Co. and will not be renewed. Prior immigrants admired the gray lady for representing their feelings of "I just give up", "I've had it up to here with...", and "I just don't give a s___ anymore".



Throop Seeks Constitutional Amendment
A Constitutional Amendment making the "h" in the English language silent is making it's way to Capitol Hill. The legislation written by representatives of Throop wish to add their language to the English First proposal now in conference. Opponents of the bill say that everyone will sound like Andy Capp and the American people don't want that.

Local Icon Fails FDA Approval
The FDA denied a claim by Slobodan "Hatchy" Milatchy for certification. The request was denied because certain elements in "The Land of Hatchy Milatchy", such as lollipops growing right out of the ground and everything made of sugar and spice would undoubtedly draw in ants.